My only blog is my photography blog and since many of my clients are women, well all Mother’s, I know you can all relate to this blog post I am about to dive into. It’s been a little over a week since I have not been pregnant anymore. I have such a strong empty feeling that I carry around with me most days. It’s hard to explain but many of the women that have come to me after I spoke about my miscarriage know exactly what I am talking about. It’s just a big ol’empty feeling of knowing that I am no longer carrying life inside of me. That is one of the major things I struggle with right now. I also struggle with why God chose me to have this experience in my life.
My mother tells me its because God knew I would talk openly about this and help other women when they too experience a loss. I say well I didn’t want to be chosen to be a voice for those women that suffer in silence. However, the truth is I am now. I am a survivor of pregnancy loss. My husband ordered me a necklace that hopefully will come this week that has a beautiful angel wing and Hayden’s name and birthstone that I can carry close to my heart. I am literally checking the mail box like a freak everyday waiting for it to come. As soon as it comes, I will be sure to snap a picture and let you all know where he got it from.
I didn’t really explain my timeline all that well in my first post announcing my miscarriage but I felt I missed out on one key piece of god letting me know what I was about to hear when I went to my ultrasound. On the road a song came on by A Great Big World. The song say something. It is truly a sad song and it spoke to me that day and the tears just flooded and I even sat in my car to compose myself before I went into my appointment because I just knew it was God preparing me for the news I just did not want to hear. Now every time I hear this song, tears just flood my face. I am literally taken back to that hour in my life that I just wish I could reverse. I am pretty sure I need to block that song from playing on my spotify.. there has to be a way right?
Accepting that I lost my baby has been a huge struggle. Some days I just wish I was pregnant again. I see pregnant mama’s and I say to myself that was me just a few short weeks ago. I know I will get pregnant again, losing this baby has made me feel that I do truly want another child. I spoke about my feelings when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 and I was not sure how I felt about it. I went through anger, anxiousness then to finally being like were having another baby! I can not tell you how guilty that makes me feel. I truly mean that, that upsets me to the core because now its gone and I am hurting. I know I can’t change my feelings on how I felt 3 months ago but I do have to accept that what I felt was normal and not uncommon.
Now the process of healing my heart and doing what I love to do. I have had so many newborn inquires flood my email box that other mama’s that have gone through a loss might lose it over but me, no way I am so thrilled to be contacted to photograph precious little babies. I have my first newborn session this Friday and lemme tell you I can’t wait to just smell a newborn and just have a few cuddles, that is going to be the very best thing about my job! God is allowing me to heal in the way I want to heal. I want to be surrounded by all these precious babies and children because they truly are gifts from god and I appreciate each one that comes into my life and through my lens.
My husband and I are anxious to add to our family now that we both know that adding another child to our family is something we do want. I feel we are both more prepared and can financially decide when the best time would be for me to be able to take a maternity leave next year. When Hayden was to be born was right smack dab in the busiest time of my business. Fall and Christmas pictures.. how in the world could I miss out on that! I do have fears of getting pregnant and this happening all over again and I know that its a possibility because we are not always granted more children. For now, I am blessed and appreciate that I have my daughter more than even before my miscarriage. I didn’t think it was possible to love my daughter more than I do now but lemme tell you, I do! I love that little girl more than I can even scream out loud. She is my world and a HUGE help in my healing.
I have to give huge hugs to all my clients and even future clients that have contacted me, told me about their stories offer a shoulder to cry on and have been there for me. I’ve had to reschedule on a few because I went back to work too early and my body didn’t like that too much but I am back at it now and am so thankful for all the support you have given me. I can’t even thank them all in here because there have been so many! I am not alone, those of us who have been through this – we are not alone!
Time to get back to editing – I know there’s people waiting on me!! Thanks for letting me voice my experience. I hope I help someone who is hurting right now!
