This is not the post that I ever wanted to write because honestly unless you were a client, you did not know that I was expecting my second child. I was looking forward to announcing to the entire world in just a few weeks what the gender of our baby was going to be. Instead, I am writing this blog post to help heal and grieve as this past week I miscarried at 12 weeks. Miscarriage is often not talked about because its a very sad experience and some just don’t want to talk about it. However, part of my healing IS to talk about it.
Here is my story, my story of sadness, pain, hurt and healing. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew before even testing because as women, we just know these things. I had been feeling incredibly sick, was late on my menstrual cycle and told myself it was time to test to confirm what I was already expecting. My sister was at my house and I walked out of the bathroom crying, yes I was crying. Crying because I was scared, scared of having a newborn and a toddler, and even though I was starting to think it was time to have another baby, my business was exploding and I felt like with a business blooming having another child was going to set me back. Eventually those feelings went away and I started to get really excited about having another child. Completing our family and moving forward, my husband and I knew we would figure things out financially and do what we always have been doing, pushing forward during tough financial times.
Many of my clients knew how bad my morning sickness was, I pushed through and did shoots, stayed up way to late to deliver pictures in time even though I was so tired due to the first trimester tiredness that all of you moms know all about. Around 9 weeks I started to feel much better, like the morning sickness just disappeared and I thought, maybe I was just lucky that it was short lived. I was feeling great and relieved because it was so tough running a business during those early weeks because of how I felt.
I was getting more excited and even started to show! Yes I was showing by 10 weeks, I looked pregnant and I was feeling great. Then the morning of my 10 weeks, I started spotting. The dreadful going to the bathroom and seeing what every pregnant women doesnt want to say. I rang my midwife and she explained a few things to me and reassured what i was seeing was normal and not to worry until it was fresh red spotting. This never happened, I went on another week and things just didn’t seem right, it wasnt letting up and I just didnt feel it was right.
At 11 weeks and 5 days I went to have an ultrasound and was told my baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing at 8 1/2 weeks. I sat on the ultrasound table knowing before I even had the instrument placed on my stomach, that the tech was going to deliver the news to me. My husband was not in the room to hear the tech tell me the sad news, he was on his way to meet up with me. I walked out of the room and waited for my husband to meet with me to see the doctor. He walked into the building and I immediately started crying to tell him we had lost the baby. My husband’s face turned red and he started crying. I am not sure what is harder telling the rest of the world you lost your baby or telling your husband our baby is gone.
We waited to see the doctor to hear what was ahead of me. I sat there in silence for the most part staring at the wall and at my husband, feeling shocked and empty! We kept saying this has to be what is for the best, financially we just weren’t sure how we were going to handle another child. We are both working so hard to build businesses and to just make things easier for us and our daughter. Now, my saying is why did this happen? I thought we were just going to figure this out and carry on! The doctor was very compassionate and told me all my options. I left the appt with a scheduled D&C 4 days later.
During those 4 days, I felt numb. I felt ok at first and then that night I just sat there and cried and cried and cried with my husband. My baby was gone, it was just gone. I never got to hold my baby, see their face, kiss their lips nothing. I had to accept the fact that I was no longer going to have a second child by Thanksgiving. I had so many women send me messages telling me they know how I feel because they have been there. It was comforting to know, I was not alone. I celebrated Mother’s Day with my beautiful daughter trying so hard to be ok but grieving that I lost my baby! No way to spend a mother’s day!
I never made it to my D&C, I naturally miscarried at home during the very early morning hours after Mother’s Day at home with my husband holding my hand. I labored for 4 1/2 hours. Yes I labored. It was very painful physically and emotionally. Nobody prepares you for a late first trimester miscarriage. I had NO IDEA it was going to be like that. After it was all over with, I felt better physically, just like you do when you deliver your baby. I did not see the fetus, so I couldn’t tell you what I saw but what I saw was a lot of blood! It was very scary and traumatic. I thank god he held off and didn’t make me go through that pain on Mother’s Day.
We still arrived at the hospital for the scheduled D&C to ensure I had in fact passed the pregnancy. It was confirmed I did and I was able to leave. We drove home through a storm and I just sat in the car numb. Just numb, I didn’t know what to think. I was no longer pregnant anymore and here its storming hard in my life and outside! How convenient! I told everyone I am fine, what else am I going to say? No I am not ok? People that have never experienced a miscarriage don’t know what to say and that is perfectly fine because prior to this, I never knew what to say to friends that had this happen to them too! I came home and went to sleep.
I dreamed one specific short dream. My baby came to me, looked at me, smiled and flew away. HE yes HE was wearing a tiny blue onzie, had blonde hair and blue eyes just like his sister! I know he came to me to ensure that he was finally ok! He is now up in heaven with all mine and my husbands loved ones and my tiny little guardian angle for myself, husband and daughter. Nobody needs to confirm with a blood test that they could’ve done to determine the sex of the baby, I know he came to me in my dream as his angle self to tell me he was ok. Hayden Joesph Baden is now watching over me and helping me to heal as the days go forward.
Some days are hard and some days I am more at peace. I don’t know what my mood will be like tomorrow, this evening or next week, but I do know that one day I will meet my sweet little boy again. I am not bothered at all by photographing other babies and children, I love love love photographing infants. It is my favorite and I look forward to all my newborns coming up in the next couple of months. These little sweeties will help me heal and give me hope that one day again, I will be pregnant again and deliver a beautiful new baby!
Thank you to all for the wonderful support you have given to me and thank you for reading my story! Please don’t be afraid to share your stories with me or even with anyone else. It helps to make others aware of what many of us women sadly have to go through! Now you will understand why its been so quite around here lately.
I am so blessed that I have my daughter Chloe to help me grieve and heal. I am not sure what I would do without her right now! .jpg)
